Cliche Resolution

 

I was mentioning to my husband that I was thinking about my somewhat cliche resolution to get back to the gym on a regular basis this year.  Last year had been filled with work travel and when I was home it seems like we were always in turmoil.  Ahhh... what cliche excuses to why I didn't succeed at my cliche resolution that I plan on 'rolling up' from the year before...

As I heard him begin to say 'I think...' I must admit that I was predicting some pearl of wisdom from my fitness committed spouse who leaves for the gym so early in the morning that it is still dark when he returns.  He has watched me recommit to fitness many times... and I was ready for the gentle nudge laced with a little 'I told you so'.

Instead he suggested that we don't think of this time of year seriously enough and give credit to people that are looking to do better, be better... Hmmmm...this isn't what I expected at all. 

His thoughtful response has made me think about what I want to do better....how I want to be better.  I know I want to be the best mom and a better wife.  I want to take better care of myself and to enjoy my time when I am home.  I want to make sure that everytime I look at the mountains that I thank God for the opportunity to see them. 

The world is fluid and it so easy to be swept in the current as it moves through time.  I think that I want to make 2013 more purposeful - decide how I want to live it instead of being at the affect of it all.  Will I make it to the gym more?... I hope so... Will I be the best mom and a better wife...I plan on it... will I be aware and thankful of every moment of it... I will do my best.

As long as I can..

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha,

I sit here stunned by the shooting in another school.  Why do broken people have to destroy the lives of children and their families - robbing their futures and the futures of those that know them and love them?  Why is the question that is really never answered...life's events happen in a split second...a moment... and there is no going back...no retreat or repair... things are forever changed.

As I write this the dust has hardly settled in Connecticut.  The puzzle pieces remain strewn across the school yard and the picture promises to be horrific.  I would be irresponsible to even pretend that I know what the teachers, parents or children are feeling right now...but I do understand bits and pieces.  I was both a teacher and administrator in an elementary school for years.  I was working in my 6th grade classroom on a math lesson in a neighboring Colorado school district when we were informed of the Columbine shooting, and I have lost a child.  I can imagine some of the abstract puzzle pieces as they lay across the school halls - and I know the journey that mom's have been thrust into without warning.

Patrick has been gone a long time now but every time I hear of the death of a child I can't help but reflect.  In some respects we were fortunate.  Patrick's accident happened on our dairy.  I was there - I know every moment and there are no questions about that day that are unanswered.  I was with him on the ride to the hospital and I sat across from him when they removed his life support.  I watched him drift off to heaven in seconds.  I was there for the beginning of his life and for the end - I was truly blessed.

My heart hurts for moms that don't get to be there when their babies are taken.  Those families that deal with the uncertainty when their children are stolen and found weeks, years, decades later - and no way to recreate that lost time.  At most they have speculation and perspectives but the not knowing would seem to be a barrier to peace.  And for the moms in Connecticut - how can they not be thinking about what those last moments were for their babies - hoping that everything happened so fast that they didn't have time to understand what was happening - that God's grace was there in the chaos...

I will pray for the families and for those that will experience the ripple effect forever as a result of this one isolated event.  But I will be especially thoughtful in my whispers to God for the moms.  I will pray that he wraps his loving arms around them while they lay on the bed weeping for their children and their broken dreams.  I will pray that God blesses them as he has me - with the ability to close my eyes at any time and feel Patrick's soft skin as I kiss him on the cheek...and for the ability to love him just like he is still here.  And I would be lying if I were to say that I think of Patrick everyday - but I can tell you it is almost everyday.   I see his spirit in his brother and sisters.

And my journey continues with a promise...

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha,