It has been a very long time since I sat down to write in this blog.  So many things are different - and I am not really the same person that I was before...but isn't that the journey?  Everything is dynamic and none of it stays the same...no matter how we wish it would or how we try as hard as we can to control it all.

Tomorrow afternoon I am attending a funeral.  I have never met Kayla but I know her story.  I know it because I have watched disease in my own brother that trapped him in a body that wouldn't give him any respite.  I know it as I spent ten years with a son that I tried desperately to save only to lose him anyway.  Kayla was a joy to her family - so important and vibrant in her own way.  They took turns to see her.  Not just because they felt that it was the right thing to do, but because they wanted to be with her.  She loved books, she was a great Christian and she had such a wonderful sense of humor.  She took care of her family before she left - making sure that they had no doubts that it was time for her to go. 

I have learned a lot about letting go.  The overused cliche... If You Love Something Set It Free
If It Comes Back, It Was And Always Will Be Yours  is misleading but also altogether insightful.  Loving something or someone and 'letting it go' with the expectation that if it returns that it will always be yours is a hopeful fantasy for those that either need to test love or those that have given up on a love and feel that there is no other way.  I think that we confuse love as something that requires a symbiotic relationship- a relationship of mutual benefit or dependence.  I have found that love is personal.  I love not because someone is going to love me back or because I have an expectation of how he or she will behave if I love them - and it is freeing.  It allows me to love without the insecurities and baggage that we all carry with us.  It allows me to send a text saying 'I am thinking of you...' and to move on with my life.  If I get a response - I feel somehow affirmed that there is a connection.  If I get no response, I don't feel the need anymore to create a story why there is no response.  Loving someone with no expectations - no strings attached - being vulnerable and not at the affect of getting something in return - is really loving someone or something and setting it ...and yourself... free.

I think of those that I love so desperately and just am grateful that I have them in my life to love.  Some of them are close and some - our relationships are now somewhat distant and fragmented.  But I think that too is the journey...

I don't know Kayla.  I don't know Kayla's family.  Kayla's sister is a new friend.  I do know about loving and having to let go.  The love we feel is still personal for us.  There is often no one longer there to affirm or deny that love...but it remains.  I feel it everyday as the memory of kissing Patrick's soft cheek before his bedtime is still fresh on my lips...

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey...

 

 

How much of our lives do we spend attempting to get people to understand how we feel...?  We talk and rephrase to a point where we become frustrated in not eliciting the response that we want.  I have my husband say to me in our less than 'loving' moments '...you just don't like what I have to say' as though somehow I am going to agree or understand because I am required to do so - like the epiphany will happen if I just don't resist - if I were to buckle down and peer into the reality that he has shared.

 

I acknowledge that I don't understand his journey, I have never walked in his shoes and his path is his own.  Even though we have 25 years of married coexistence, parented and raised four children and shared many of the same experiences - his perception, his understanding is his own - and mine is mine.

 

I often think that I have great wisdom that I can share with those that have navigated a similar path as mine...but how arrogant to think that my path is similar or in anyway the same.  Whether it is marriage/divorce, a birth or death, a robust or flailing business, an addiction or a life of perceived freedom - the content and context can be the same - but the personal journey...the personal path that is walked... has a 'common uniqueness' at best.

 

So what do we do for ourselves as people judge our paths - thoughts - or strive to decipher our emotions?  And as well, what do we do for others as we interact with them as they are on their own personal journey? How can we save ourselves and love them without judgement? 

 

For me it will be thoughtful purpose in my own life and the interactions that I have with others.

 

I want to always acknowledge & validate but never assume that I understand.

I will try to listen without feeling that sharing my own experiences will help -

when they really serve me.

When I share my story - I will not require a response or be disappointed by one.

If you are in distress - I will not judge but love you.

When you need the space - or need closeness - I will let you just be.

...and if I need the space - or closeness - I will allow myself to just be.

 



Dig within...

“Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?

What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?

Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series

 

 

Dear Friends...I couldn't have written anything as eloquant or thoughtful to ponder as Melody has...  Happy New Year to all ... I wish for you joy, peace, passion and the warmth of God's love for you in 2013!

 

 

 

 

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Cliche Resolution

 

I was mentioning to my husband that I was thinking about my somewhat cliche resolution to get back to the gym on a regular basis this year.  Last year had been filled with work travel and when I was home it seems like we were always in turmoil.  Ahhh... what cliche excuses to why I didn't succeed at my cliche resolution that I plan on 'rolling up' from the year before...

As I heard him begin to say 'I think...' I must admit that I was predicting some pearl of wisdom from my fitness committed spouse who leaves for the gym so early in the morning that it is still dark when he returns.  He has watched me recommit to fitness many times... and I was ready for the gentle nudge laced with a little 'I told you so'.

Instead he suggested that we don't think of this time of year seriously enough and give credit to people that are looking to do better, be better... Hmmmm...this isn't what I expected at all. 

His thoughtful response has made me think about what I want to do better....how I want to be better.  I know I want to be the best mom and a better wife.  I want to take better care of myself and to enjoy my time when I am home.  I want to make sure that everytime I look at the mountains that I thank God for the opportunity to see them. 

The world is fluid and it so easy to be swept in the current as it moves through time.  I think that I want to make 2013 more purposeful - decide how I want to live it instead of being at the affect of it all.  Will I make it to the gym more?... I hope so... Will I be the best mom and a better wife...I plan on it... will I be aware and thankful of every moment of it... I will do my best.

As long as I can..

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha,

I sit here stunned by the shooting in another school.  Why do broken people have to destroy the lives of children and their families - robbing their futures and the futures of those that know them and love them?  Why is the question that is really never answered...life's events happen in a split second...a moment... and there is no going back...no retreat or repair... things are forever changed.

As I write this the dust has hardly settled in Connecticut.  The puzzle pieces remain strewn across the school yard and the picture promises to be horrific.  I would be irresponsible to even pretend that I know what the teachers, parents or children are feeling right now...but I do understand bits and pieces.  I was both a teacher and administrator in an elementary school for years.  I was working in my 6th grade classroom on a math lesson in a neighboring Colorado school district when we were informed of the Columbine shooting, and I have lost a child.  I can imagine some of the abstract puzzle pieces as they lay across the school halls - and I know the journey that mom's have been thrust into without warning.

Patrick has been gone a long time now but every time I hear of the death of a child I can't help but reflect.  In some respects we were fortunate.  Patrick's accident happened on our dairy.  I was there - I know every moment and there are no questions about that day that are unanswered.  I was with him on the ride to the hospital and I sat across from him when they removed his life support.  I watched him drift off to heaven in seconds.  I was there for the beginning of his life and for the end - I was truly blessed.

My heart hurts for moms that don't get to be there when their babies are taken.  Those families that deal with the uncertainty when their children are stolen and found weeks, years, decades later - and no way to recreate that lost time.  At most they have speculation and perspectives but the not knowing would seem to be a barrier to peace.  And for the moms in Connecticut - how can they not be thinking about what those last moments were for their babies - hoping that everything happened so fast that they didn't have time to understand what was happening - that God's grace was there in the chaos...

I will pray for the families and for those that will experience the ripple effect forever as a result of this one isolated event.  But I will be especially thoughtful in my whispers to God for the moms.  I will pray that he wraps his loving arms around them while they lay on the bed weeping for their children and their broken dreams.  I will pray that God blesses them as he has me - with the ability to close my eyes at any time and feel Patrick's soft skin as I kiss him on the cheek...and for the ability to love him just like he is still here.  And I would be lying if I were to say that I think of Patrick everyday - but I can tell you it is almost everyday.   I see his spirit in his brother and sisters.

And my journey continues with a promise...

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha,

It was Thanksgiving...

Transplant doctor and Nobel Prize Winner Joseph Murray Dies

As I was monitoring my twitter account and my 'tweets'... I noticed a headline on one of my news feeds.  Joseph Murray, who performed the first Kidney transplant (first coincidence) died in his mid-eighties in Boston (coincidence # two) just days after Thanksgiving (and there's number 3).  I felt drawn to the story and feel somewhat compelled to offer my gratitude to this man that I never knew.
 
It was Thanksgiving when I sat in the unfamiliar office in the hospital that I considered my second home. Patrick's labs had been slowly declining and it was time for him to begin dialysis.  The disease that we had been able to manage independently since birth with meds and diet was now requiring something far beyond my understanding and out of my control.  Knowing this day would come and being prepared for it are nothing the same and I remember wondering how I would manage it...oddly in the midst of that waiting room my worries were selfish and immature.  Still I sat while grim reality was circling my world.

It was strange telling Patrick's story to this doctor.  Everyone else knew him.  There was never any story to tell, no dates to remember, no charts that needed to be filled in.  I didn't like him because he wasn't part of our world and I remember wishing I could retreat to the clinic that I knew so well.  The interview continued and the exam was brief - his only concern was access to Patrick's veins.  He took Patrick's arm in his hand and it looked no bigger than a twig across his palm.  He tapped his veins and rubbed his forearm until I could see his skin turn pink.  I was taking it all in...as I had always done... he was the teacher and I was the apprentice...learning how to manage this tiny boy who was the love of my life...

'I've never put a fistula into veins this small...' Abruptly I was delivered from complacency, shocked awake by his admission.  Silently declaring that Patrick would not be his first, I felt the power shift as I began to advocate as I had done so many times before.  'Where have they done it before - where do I need to take him... when can you get that scheduled...?'  His replies were short and direct 'Boston Children's...yes I can refer you... yes they have experience with infants and children... I can get you an appointment...we will get his records shipped...'

In a matter of minutes I had moved Patrick's primary care from Upstate Medical Center in Syracuse to Boston Children's in Massachusetts.  In a few days I would take our first trip south to Utica and across past Albany to the Mass Turnpike.  It would be only seconds before the doctor explained that Patrick would have a sub-clavicle catheter with an open port that would save him the torment of almost daily needles inserted into his tiny veins. It was in an instant I knew I had made the right decision.

Being a mom is a balance of judgement calls and informed decisions.  There are times to be cautious and times where risks are inevitable.  Being blessed with Patrick also meant the awesome responsibility of being that mom...the one that listens and learns - and the one that knows when to take charge.  I am blessed that God gave me the power to be that mom...

A healthier me...?

I'm not sure how many times a day we think about our diet, the food we eat and/or our overall health.  Indirectly I think it must be hundreds as we choose the apple or the cupcake or when we pull up the 24 Hr Fitness scheedule to check on the Body Pump class.  I mentioned in my post yesterday that I worked toward a more gluten free Thanksgiving meal.  Actually we are  'moderate' gluten consumers.  Megan's health requires her to avoid gluten and eat less sugar - but the rest of the family tends to be 'glutenous' about our gluten.  Isn't that always the way...

Yesterday I had the opportunity to bake with my friend, my naturopath and my nutritionist Jean Brickell.  She has an awesome business in Parker Colorado - kind of the other end of the world from us - but well worth the drive for both me and my husband.  The fact that her business is booming and requires a patient 'wait' for a new patient appointment hints at the fact that we are not alone in my concern about my health and diet.

We spent a great afternoon in her beautiful new kitchen baking delicious goodies.  There were chocoloate chip cookies and pumpkin muffins...and she shared her recipe conversions and the secrets of cooking with almond and coconut flour. Even for my most favorite recipes I can reduce the overall calories with some simple adjustments...

1/2 Cup of Honey/Agave can be substituted with 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce and a 1/2 Z-Sweet
                                                                                               or
                                                         1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce and 18-24 packets                                    
                                                         (~2/3 of tsp = 1 packet) of Truvia

1/2 Cup of Sugar can be substituted with 1/4 cup of unsweetened applesauce sweeteners above.

1/2 Cup of Brown Sugar can be substituted with 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce, 2 tsps. of molasses and sweeteners above.

These handy hints seem foreign to a girl who grew up on boxed Chef Boyardee Pizzas, Little Debbie Cookies and the Twinkies that are so famous right now...but although foreign - they are surely doable.

It was a great day - thanks Jean... I think I will have a cookie now.

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