It has been a very long time since I sat down to write in this blog.  So many things are different - and I am not really the same person that I was before...but isn't that the journey?  Everything is dynamic and none of it stays the same...no matter how we wish it would or how we try as hard as we can to control it all.

Tomorrow afternoon I am attending a funeral.  I have never met Kayla but I know her story.  I know it because I have watched disease in my own brother that trapped him in a body that wouldn't give him any respite.  I know it as I spent ten years with a son that I tried desperately to save only to lose him anyway.  Kayla was a joy to her family - so important and vibrant in her own way.  They took turns to see her.  Not just because they felt that it was the right thing to do, but because they wanted to be with her.  She loved books, she was a great Christian and she had such a wonderful sense of humor.  She took care of her family before she left - making sure that they had no doubts that it was time for her to go. 

I have learned a lot about letting go.  The overused cliche... If You Love Something Set It Free
If It Comes Back, It Was And Always Will Be Yours  is misleading but also altogether insightful.  Loving something or someone and 'letting it go' with the expectation that if it returns that it will always be yours is a hopeful fantasy for those that either need to test love or those that have given up on a love and feel that there is no other way.  I think that we confuse love as something that requires a symbiotic relationship- a relationship of mutual benefit or dependence.  I have found that love is personal.  I love not because someone is going to love me back or because I have an expectation of how he or she will behave if I love them - and it is freeing.  It allows me to love without the insecurities and baggage that we all carry with us.  It allows me to send a text saying 'I am thinking of you...' and to move on with my life.  If I get a response - I feel somehow affirmed that there is a connection.  If I get no response, I don't feel the need anymore to create a story why there is no response.  Loving someone with no expectations - no strings attached - being vulnerable and not at the affect of getting something in return - is really loving someone or something and setting it ...and yourself... free.

I think of those that I love so desperately and just am grateful that I have them in my life to love.  Some of them are close and some - our relationships are now somewhat distant and fragmented.  But I think that too is the journey...

I don't know Kayla.  I don't know Kayla's family.  Kayla's sister is a new friend.  I do know about loving and having to let go.  The love we feel is still personal for us.  There is often no one longer there to affirm or deny that love...but it remains.  I feel it everyday as the memory of kissing Patrick's soft cheek before his bedtime is still fresh on my lips...

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey...

 

 

How much of our lives do we spend attempting to get people to understand how we feel...?  We talk and rephrase to a point where we become frustrated in not eliciting the response that we want.  I have my husband say to me in our less than 'loving' moments '...you just don't like what I have to say' as though somehow I am going to agree or understand because I am required to do so - like the epiphany will happen if I just don't resist - if I were to buckle down and peer into the reality that he has shared.

 

I acknowledge that I don't understand his journey, I have never walked in his shoes and his path is his own.  Even though we have 25 years of married coexistence, parented and raised four children and shared many of the same experiences - his perception, his understanding is his own - and mine is mine.

 

I often think that I have great wisdom that I can share with those that have navigated a similar path as mine...but how arrogant to think that my path is similar or in anyway the same.  Whether it is marriage/divorce, a birth or death, a robust or flailing business, an addiction or a life of perceived freedom - the content and context can be the same - but the personal journey...the personal path that is walked... has a 'common uniqueness' at best.

 

So what do we do for ourselves as people judge our paths - thoughts - or strive to decipher our emotions?  And as well, what do we do for others as we interact with them as they are on their own personal journey? How can we save ourselves and love them without judgement? 

 

For me it will be thoughtful purpose in my own life and the interactions that I have with others.

 

I want to always acknowledge & validate but never assume that I understand.

I will try to listen without feeling that sharing my own experiences will help -

when they really serve me.

When I share my story - I will not require a response or be disappointed by one.

If you are in distress - I will not judge but love you.

When you need the space - or need closeness - I will let you just be.

...and if I need the space - or closeness - I will allow myself to just be.

 



Dig within...

“Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?

What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?

Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series

 

 

Dear Friends...I couldn't have written anything as eloquant or thoughtful to ponder as Melody has...  Happy New Year to all ... I wish for you joy, peace, passion and the warmth of God's love for you in 2013!

 

 

 

 

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